Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dos & Don'ts Of Bank Robbery

Man Arrested After Failed Dedham Bank Robbery

I'll be the first to admit that there aren't a whole lot of subjects on which I can speak with authority. How to rob a bank is one subject on which I have very little knowledge to share. However, as this is a public service blog, I feel that it is my duty to help my dear readers who might be contemplating the possibility of "liberating" a bank of some excess funds. Therefore, I did some exhaustive research consisting of reading the above-linked story about a bank robbery gone horribly wrong. From this story, I was able to cull this admittedly short list of dos and don'ts. While this might not help anyone successfully rob a bank, following these simple tips certainly won't hurt.

"Dedham police say a 30-year-old Dorchester man wearing a blue suit tried to rob a Citizen's bank at 5 Bryant St. near Eastern Avenue at 8:50 a.m. Tuesday."

He starts off okay, wearing a fairly innocuous outfit that won't attract much attention. From here, however, he strays from the manual. If you are considering following in this man's personal-wealth increasing method, make sure you follow the below guidelines.

DO--make sure that you take away the employees' cell phones if you're going to leave them alone for any period of time.

"An employee immediately texted a branch manager at a different bank and told them to call police. "

DON'T--choose a bank to rob that has an obvious police presence right outside.

"As the robbery suspect left the bank empty-handed, two Dedham police details working in front of the bank arrested him. "

DO--always, always, ALWAYS, make sure that the money is accessible to the employees you are trying to rob. One sure way to do this is to only rob the bank during their regularly posted business hours.

"Because the bank had not yet opened for the day, there was no money in the registers, and the vault door wasn't open. "

Can you just imagine this one? I'm sorry, sir, we are still preparing to open for the day. If you can sit here for just a few minutes while we get the vaults open and the cash out for our drawers, we will be happy to accommodate your robbery as soon as we can. In the meantime, please check out this brochure on our easy and convenient Christmas Club. It has all the details of how your stolen cash can work for you, and today only we are giving away a free toaster oven with each new account opened. We realize that you have a choice when it comes to bank robbery, so we thank you for choosing Citizens Bank, and we apologize for the inconvenience.

One final tip:

DON'T--be a moron. Get a friggin job, loser!

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