Monday, May 12, 2008

What's In My Inbox

Good evening. We all get stuff over e-mail that is worth sharing. For my money, 99% of the jokes, political messages, religious messages, friendship ditties, and that stupid thing where Bill Gates is going to pay me like a hundred million dollars for clicking on a link are pretty benign. Rarely, however, something clever catches my eye. I can never be sure that the people who supposedly wrote these actually wrote these or how many edits they go through before they get to me, so I can’t warranty that any of this is true, so I hereby release myself from all responsibility for anything that may or may not happen to you ever in your life. Your further reading of my blog, indifferent to the fact that you may or may not have read this particular entry, indicates your acceptance of these terms. There, that should cover it.

What I can promise you, however, is that I will post e-mails that I receive exactly as they are sent to me. I will not edit the text of any e-mail before posting it on this blog. That I can assure you. I may feel the urge to comment within the text of the e-mail. If I add comments, I will add them in different color text and notify you in the post.

And it won’t just be the forwarded generic things that I will post. From time to time I might post an especially funny, moving, or insightful personal message. If I do that, I will not identify the author without first notifying him or her. So be forewarned if you decide to send me e-mail, that your e-mail might end up being read by a worldwide audience of four or five!

For our first installment of WIMI, I’ve chosen a new take on these “look what kids wrote” kind of things. I’ve never seen this one before. If you have, oh well. I apologize. Just go on to the next thing you have to do. I never promised original entries every time. Who am I, William Safire?

But I digress. Some of these are pretty clever. I particularly enjoyed Kelvin’s answer, the last one. Enjoy!

PS OK I just realized that Bill Gates actually could give me several million dollars just for clicking on a link and it would be to him as it is to me when a quarter falls through a spot in my car and I don’t even bother to go after it. Now I’m irritated.

Anyhow, enjoy the post:

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.- Martin, age 10 (very perceptive!)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Ricky, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Kelvin, age 10

Friday, May 9, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

Super Duper
Obama steams toward Democratic nomination as Clinton's bid falters
How does one get appointed a “superdelegate?” And why the hell hold primaries that don’t count? What is going on with the Democratic party?
(International Herald Tribune)

Causing A Stink
Body of woman, 90, found on toilet in inhabited Wis. Home
In Kansas, a live woman sat on a toilet for two years. In Wisconsin, it seems like they don’t remove them even after they’re dead. Totally creepy.
(Associated Press)

Shady Dealings
Calls mount for Olmert's resignation
Political corruption goes on even in the Holy Land, it would appear. Boy, those Palestinians will use any reason to stall the peace process, won’t they? A year? Give me a break.
(Washington Post)

All In The Family
Fritzl recalls start of incest family
"Ever since she entered puberty she did not adhere to any rules any more, she would spend whole nights in dingy bars, drinking alcohol and smoking," he said. By that logic, pretty much every teenager I know would be held captive in their basements and forced to have sex with their fathers.
(United Press International)

Delivering For Less
FedEx cuts profit forecast on fuel costs
It really is only the Arabian sheiks and big oil companies who get fat while the rest of us decide between eating and filling up our tanks.
(Reuters)

Stoned Pits
DMX Busted at Home for Pot, Pit Bulls
You mean DMX smokes weed and neglects his dogs? Who would have believed something so outrageous? Say hello to Michael Vick for me.
(E! Online)

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Pasta, Tequila, Chicken Pie, Mop and a Little Cocky Bastard

The reason our new mop doesn’t fit the bucket is, it was Cinco de Mayo.

We’ve got the third annual yankee boil coming up here in a few weeks, and we’re doing some work sprucing up downstairs and the backyard. Monday we ended up going to Home Depot and Linens & Things looking for shelf units for the downstairs bathroom and some brackets for the outdoor staircase handrail. By the time we were done we realized that it was close to 7:00 and we were hungry, so we ate at the Macaroni Grill right there by Linens & Things.

Monday, of course, was Cinco de Mayo, and I realized that as we were sitting down to our Italian feast at the Macaroni. Luckily, the bar makes some decent margaritas so I celebrated with a couple of them, ate my chicken with vodka cream sauce, paid the bill with my Visa card, and headed home.

Tuesday I realize I’d better go ahead and order Mom’s flowers for Sunday to make sure they get there on time. I go to flowers.com or whatever the site is and when I go to pay, I pull out my debit Mastercard. I was surprised that my Visa wasn’t right behind it like it usually is. I complete the transaction and look through my wallet. The Visa is nowhere in sight.

So I started thinking when was the last time I used it, and I remembered the Macaroni Grill the night before. I called them and, sure enough, they had it. When Bill got home, I mentioned that I was going back to the Grill to pick up my card and that I would pick us up a Harrow’s chicken pie for dinner on the way home.

Off I went. The chicken pie place is between the house and the Macaroni Grill, and I was almost there when the phone rang with Mikey’s (Bill’s nephew) number on it. Instead of Mikey, however, it was Michael, his dad (Bill’s brother), telling me to turn around and go pick Bill up. Apparently Bill left his phone at his store and couldn’t remember my cell phone number, so he called his brother who got my number off of Mikey’s phone. Rolling my eyes, I proceeded to get the chicken pie (they close early) and went all the way back to the house to pick up Bill.

Bill stated that the reason he changed his mind about coming with me is that he decided to get the shelf unit we were looking at the day before. We grabbed the card from Macaroni Grill and then headed over to Home Depot to get the shelf unit. When we walked in we saw the mops and Bill remembered that I was complaining about our mop so he suggested we get a new one. We got a nice one, too, so nice that it’s too big for our bucket. So now we need to get a new bucket. I think it’s a Home Depot conspiracy.

So, had it not been Cinco de Mayo, I might not have had the margaritas and not been so silly as to leave my Visa card behind, and we wouldn’t have gone back to Home Depot on Tuesday, and wouldn’t have bought a mop on impulse, and maybe would have measured the bucket before we went to purchase the mop. But I doubt it.




Way To Go, Matto!
Bill’s nephew Matt got a four-page story in the UMass Boston school paper. Check out the link below. Matty’s new nickname is “Face.” He loves it. He’s really doing great as you can find out by reading the article. By the way, in case you’re curious like I was, I asked him why his high school coach didn’t like him at first and he replied, “Because I was a little cocky bastard.” My next question was how was then any different from now, then I observed, “oh yeah, you’re not little anymore.” Fortunately, this was a phone conversation so I didn’t get punched. Yet.

Face of the Franchise

In all seriousness, though, Matt’s understated quotes in the article are not muted in any way. The big cocky bastard seems to prefer to let his performance on the field do his speaking for him these days. After his second or third meet this year, I asked him how he did, and he replied, “Alright” in a “whatever” kind of voice. Then the next day I read that he was named Rookie of the Week for his conference because of his stellar performance in that week’s meet. I guess when you got it, you don’t need to flaunt it, it flaunts itself for you.

Keep it up, Face. We’re rooting for ya!