Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

As a special Christmas treat, here is the best Christmas song of all time. Enjoy!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Spirit

Merry Christmas, everyone. Bill and I spent the day decorating the house, and now we're watching the Pats game and decorating the tree. Well, Bill's decorating the tree and I'm stalling by posting to the blog! Anyhow, here is our house:

And here is Nancy and Bob's house across the street:

Okay, they win.

Back to the tree!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

O Tannenbaum

When I think of the major outcomes of the Louisiana Purchase, three things come to mind:

-It doubled the size of our country

-It paved the way for future western expansion of the United States, and

-It got me a Christmas tree in 2002.

See, what happened was, the bicentennial celebration of the Purchase occurred in 2003, and the LPO decided to commission an orchestral/choral piece to commemorate the event. The composer that we commissioned, Rob Kapilow, is the kind of composer that really tries to absorb intimate knowledge of the subjects of his compositions. He’s really an amazing artist. If you ever get the chance to check out one of his performances of What Makes It Great, make sure you go.

As part of the composition process, Rob wanted to meet as many true Louisianans as he could to find out what the Louisiana Purchase meant to them, and to find its relevance today. He made several trips down to meet with various constituencies that we would coordinate for him. This involved much travel by car around the state.

There is a particularly hectic 2-day period that I recall in early December 2002. Rob was in town for just a few days to meet with various groups and do some promotional activities for us; the piece was to premiere in January 2003 so it was basically crunch time on all fronts. My co-worker Ken and I were driving Rob around the state to get everything done on a Monday, and on Tuesday we had promotional activities scheduled in New Orleans. Problem was, we couldn’t spend the night on the road Monday night because Ken had to be back to perform in our educational concert Tuesday morning. So even though our last meeting got over at 8:30 at night in Shreveport, about a 6-hour drive from New Orleans, we had to drive back that same night.

We saved a bit of time by driving an hour to Baton Rouge on Sunday evening and spending the night there since our first meeting was there on Monday morning. But we still had to get up at 7:00 to make our first appointment. Then we drove for 2 hours to our second appointment, then another 3 hours for our third appointment, then another hour and a half to our last appointment in Shreveport. I ended up arriving home about 3:30 in the morning and got to sleep about 4.

I couldn’t sleep in on Tuesday because I had to get Rob to a radio interview and then get to the education concert Ken was playing in to take pictures and handle a TV crew that was covering it. After the concert I went back to the office for the rest of the day, then at 5:30 we had an event at the downtown main branch of the bank that was sponsoring the composition, where Rob would talk about his work and promote the upcoming concerts.

Operating on about 3 hours sleep in 37 hours, I chose to let the rest of the staff handle the on-site coordination of the sponsor event and volunteered to stand at a table and pour wine for the attendees. I noticed Ken leaning against one of the teller stations, available to answer questions but not much more. We were both exhausted, as was Rob, who mercifully kept his remarks short!

My friend Mark, probably one of the most generous people I know, came by to hear what Rob had to say about the piece and also to hang out with me by the wine bar. When he went to leave, he mentioned that he and his then-girlfriend, now-wife Sandy were going to look for Christmas trees for Sandy’s house. Drawing on my immense talent for sarcasm, I replied “ok, pick me up one while you’re at it.” I didn’t even think he heard me; he was halfway to the door by that point and just kind of waved back in my general direction, kind of like you do when you didn’t quite hear somebody but you don’t really care what they said.

Finally, I got home about 8:00 that night, stripped to my boxers and crashed onto my bed, oblivious to the world. I didn’t wake up until 8:00 the next morning, very groggy, probably from too much sleep. I noticed the little light blinking on the answering machine and it was Mark from 8:30 the night before asking if I was going to pick my tree up from him or if I wanted him to drop it off.

I listened to the message about 3 times, and in my groggy state had no idea what the hell he was talking about. After 2 cups of coffee, about halfway through my shower it hit me. I told Mark to get a tree for me, and Mark, being his usual efficient and generous self, actually bought a Christmas tree for me.

This is all Sandy’s fault, of course. She’s supposed to be the voice of reason in our lives. I asked her later how she could not know that I was being my usual stupid sarcastic self, and she replied that she thought it was a little strange, but Mark was so positive that I told him to get me a tree and she “never knows what’s going on when the two of y’all get together.” Then they tried to call me and got no answer, so they went ahead and got the tree.

Ok, I guess we can accept that. The best part was that we got to spend some time together the next night when I went over there to get the tree. We had dinner and just spent a pleasant time together, doing what friends are supposed to do during the holidays. It was an incredibly generous act for Mark and Sandy to get the tree for me, and I thanked them profusely, but after the whirlwind activity of the previous two days, the best part for me was being able to just kick back with a couple of friends, have dinner and talk over drinks, just enjoying being together.

For me, it’s what the holidays are all about.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Insane in the Hussein

Obama makes a play for college football playoff
Associated Press

''If you've got a bunch of teams who play throughout the season, and many of them have one loss or two losses, there's no clear decisive winner. We should be creating a playoff system,'' said President-Elect Barack H. Obama on 60 Minutes.

That is a perfectly valid opinion. And, pursuant to the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, Citizen Obama is solidly within his rights to express his opinion publicly.

But that wasn’t what the interview was about. The interview was about laying out his administration’s priorities for this country. The interview was about sharing with the American people his vision of the kind of president he is going to be. The interview was about telling the American people what he is going to do for them.

So he added, in continuation of this subject, “So, I'm going to throw my weight around a little bit. I think it's the right thing to do.”

Really? For who? For the hard-working, middle class family of five making $60,000 a year who are having their home taken away because predatory lenders increased their mortgage rates by 9 points in two years and now have to watch $700 billion of their money go to bail out the very financial institutions who also now own their house? For the 24-year old widowed mother of an infant whose husband lost his life thanks to a roadside bomb in Baghdad? For the 58-year old sheet metal worker whose body is rebelling after years of manual labor but can’t give up his job because he cannot afford health insurance any other way?

These are the people Barack Obama was elected to serve. Their problems are what his administration should focus on, and not what happens in college football. Many people are paid lots of money to figure out what is best for college football. A president is paid to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America. I have read the Constitution several times. Yes, I am a political geek with not much of a social life. That aside, I cannot find any article of or amendment to the Constitution that pertains to college football.

So, Mr. Obama, express your opinions all you like. But, please, reserve your throwing your weight around to issues that are going to affect the quality of your constituents’ lives. That is what you are going to be paid for.

That having been said, let me say that I agree with him on the need for a college playoff system. The BCS has proven to be an abject failure from the word go, and it creates much more controversy than it solves. Smart people need to get in a room and figure out a fair system, or just go back to the days before there was a national champion. I mean, honestly, does it really matter? College football is a way of life in this country; the absence of a national champion is not going to make people stop cheering for their teams.

But you won’t find me doing anything about all this at work. It’s not what I’m paid for.

Etc.
How long has Donovan McNabb been a player in the National Football League? Like almost 10 years? And he is not aware that two teams can tie? Um, yeah. It happens, Big D. Maybe not a lot, but it happens. So I’m listening to his press conference and I’m laughing my head off thinking how could this man not know the rules of the NFL? Then he asks the reporters what happens during the playoffs! I about fell off my chair at that one.

It’s nice and cold here in Massachusetts. We won’t get out of the 40s all week, and might get some snow flurries toward the end of the week.

What’s with the holidays this year? Halloween was barely over when two radio stations began playing nothing but Christmas music! Retailers are freaking out because no one’s shopping for presents yet. At least one house in Stoneham is completely and elaborately decorated for Christmas already. THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK, PEOPLE. Chill the hell out. I’m sick of “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” already. By the way, did you know he had a shiny nose?


The Westfield State Owls are off to a 1-1-1 start. Not too bad for a team that was just revived this season after a years-long hiatus. Bill’s nephew Mikey is the co-captain, and I’ve been to one game already (the one where they won!) and going to another game this weekend. Go Owls! (Mikey’s the one on the left, in case you don’t recognize him from earlier posts).

Groan
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . .
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . . .
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

B-Mac In Da House

So the Big Bubster was in town last weekend, and we tore it up as usual. I always enjoy visits from friends here in the Great White North, but especially from the Bubmeister. He and I are as close as two people can be. We have long, interesting, involved conversations about every aspect of our lives, reliving moments that we’ve shared, places we’ve been, detailing personal events in our lives that have taken place since the last time we were together. That’s why I enjoy Bub’s visits. Oh, yeah, and he brings daiquiris!

Friday
Bub got in around 6:30 Friday night, only about an hour late. Frank had set me up with a special parking permit, but by the time I got there Bub had already gotten his luggage and was walking toward the parking area. I was stunned. Usually Logan likes to make people wait for their luggage. I remember one time I was waiting for Dev to get his luggage for about a hour. That was an interesting experience. This was before they opened the “cell phone lot” to wait for pickups so you kind of just had to drive around until the luggage finally came, or pay upwards of $20 to park in the lot. There were about five of us waiting for people from the same flight. We’d find a place to park and wait, then the state police would come and tell us we had to move. So, the five of us would drive out of the airport, then back in and find another place to wait, until the cops would show up again, then we’d repeat the exercise. This happened three or four times before our passengers finally got their luggage and showed up. I can’t really fault the staties, though, because they let us sit in our positions for 10-15 minutes before they shooed us, and only did so after other cars tried to jump onto our bandwagon creating potential traffic problems.
Anyhow, so there’s Bub with the daiquiris and all, and we drove to Stoneham, dumped his gear and took off for Mike & Di’s house for pizza.

Ahh, Michael’s pizza. One of the true joys in life. The man makes the best pizza I’ve ever tasted. Poor Bub, having been to Boston/Stoneham at least six times since I’ve moved here, had never had Mike’s homemade pizza, so we arranged to let him have some this time. So Bill, Bub, Frank, Anne, Danny and I all descended upon the Muolo residence for dinner. Jess was there with some of her friends, too, and later Di and Sarah came home. It was a fun night. Bill harassed me into taking the gallon of Long Island Tea daiquiris Bub brought, over my strong objections. I brought my camera and meant to get some shots, but I was kind of in a pizza/daiquiri orgasm and never really pulled the camera out. Oh, well. We ended the night by watching this karaoke game show on TV where you’re supposed to finish the lyrics when they cut off the song. It was a lot of fun. Di and I were by far the best at that game!
Bub loved sleeping upstairs with the adults instead of his usual cubbyhole in the corner of the basement. What can I say?

Saturday
Saturday started off with hope in our hearts and anticipation in my belly. Hope that the LSU Tigers would beat the Alabama Crimson Tide (and Mr. Coach Nick Saban at the same time) and anticipation of some great chicken/andouille gumbo Bub was making. Well, I guess 1 out of 2 ain’t bad? Bub made some delicious gumbo, but the Tigers just weren’t able to answer the strong Alabama offense. Oh, well. Poor Bub never got the pork ribs he was hoping for. I marinated them like I was supposed to, put them on the grill, and then just kind of forgot about them as the game continued. Taylor had come by and the three of us were watching the game. Well, by the time I went out to check the ribs, every single one of them was on fire. One of them actually disintegrated as I grabbed it with the tongs, and ash fell into the grill. Yeah. So, there went that.

Taylor didn’t mind too much; he was meeting his mom and his girlfriend later for dinner, but poor Bub was heartbroken. He cheered up later (even though LSU lost) when I took him to RF O’Sullivan’s, a burger place in Somerville that I’d heard about several times but never went to. The burgers were quite tasty, the beer cold, and the service good.
Bub just loved his burger & beer!

Sunday
The Patriots were taking on the Buffalo Bills for first place in the AFC East, and we had scored tickets from Bill’s friend Steve. These Pats fans know how to tailgate, I’ll give them that! This one guy opens up the entire back of his truck for the party.

We had some Coors Lite for our own tailgate, though, so even though we weren’t as sophisticated as some around us, we had our fun, too!
As we walked to our seats, I noticed this lady walking in front of us dressed all outrageously. I couldn't help but take a picture of her fuzzy boots. Do you think she belongs in Paris, or Milan?

Great seats, corner end zone in the mezzanine. We had a lot of fun, and even though it wasn’t the most exciting game I’ve ever been to, the Pats came out on top!


On the way home, we saw the oddest thing. The car in front of us had one of those scrolling electronic message boards on the bottom of the license plate cover. I’ve never seen one of these things before on a license plate. Here are some of the messages it was flashing:

“I AM A CHID OF GOD” (Not quite sure what a “chid” is)

“I LOVE YOU! DRIVE SAVE” (Yeah, “save”)

Something about the “QUEEN OF LIBYA”

Is this legal? Is this safe (or “save”)?

Whatever. It was certainly entertaining.

We got home, grabbed Bill, and ended Bub’s visit with a trip to our local hangout, Grimsby’s. We had dinner, we played keno, we lost (as usual).

But all in all, a good time as usual. I brought Bub to the airport on Monday morning to end his all-too-short visit. As always, I was a little sad to see Bub go, but, of course, we’ll always have Foxboro.

Etc.
Unfortunately, the Pats gave up the first place spot to the Jets tonight. It was an exciting game and Matt Cassell had the best performance of his career, but the defense failed us in the end.

The weather is nice and cold. We might be getting our first snow flurries on Tuesday!

We’re headed out to Westfield Saturday to see Mikey’s second hockey game. Should be quite a show!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What's In My Inbox

Apparently, the Democrats' strategy failed. No idea where this came from, but somehow it ended up in my inbox. Read on...

--

Failure to Blow Election Stuns Democrats
Party Faithful Mourn End to Losing Tradition

Just minutes after their party's longstanding losing tradition lay in tatters on the ground, millions of shell-shocked Democrats stared at their television screens in disbelief, asking themselves what went right.

For Democrats, who have become accustomed to their party blowing an election even when it seemed like a sure thing, Tuesday night's results were a bitter pill to swallow. The head-shaking and finger-pointing over the demise of the Democrats' losing streak, which many of the party faithful had worn like a badge of honor, reached all the way to the upper echelons of the Democratic National Committee.

"Believe me, I'm as shocked by these results as anybody," said DNC chief Howard Dean, who indicated he has received hundreds of calls from incredulous party members. "We did everything in our power to screw this thing up."

Dean pointed to several key elements the Democrats put in place to ensure defeat, ranging from "a rancorous primary campaign" to "the appointment of me." "Somehow, despite our best efforts to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, we won," he said. "I came in here with a mandate to blow this thing and I didn't get it done."

Carol Foyler, a lifelong Democrat who owns a loom supply store in Portland, Maine, said she has been "nearly catatonic" since the election results were announced. "For the past eight years, I've fixed myself some herbal tea, turned on NPR, and ranted about the Republicans, " she said. "All that has been taken from me."

In other news, Sen. John McCain offered this comment on Sen. Barack Obama's victory: "My friends, I've got him just where I want him."

--

Groan
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Who's The Boss?

Whatever your feelings about Barack Obama, you cannot deny that last night was an historic night. And our President-Elect is quite an eloquent speaker. He had that crowd, and anyone who was watching on television, enthralled. He’s certainly got things going in his favor—commanding electoral vote mandate, a decent popular vote mandate, and a Democratic Congress. Expectations will be high.

Let’s hope that Barack Obama lives up to the oath he will take on January 20th. Let’s hope that he is able to rise above the demagoguery and partisanship prevalent in Washington, and actually govern. And let’s hope that he never forgets that he has been elected to serve us, the citizens.

That is a lesson that his buddy Edward Rendell, Governor of Pennsylvania, would be wise to remember. During the never-ending election coverage last night, Governor Rendell was asked if he would consider leaving Pennsylvania and serving in the Obama administration if asked.

Rendell’s answered by chuckling and then saying, “No, I’ve been my own boss for over 30 years.”

Excuse me, Ed? You were elected District Attorney of Philadelphia in 1977, Mayor of Philadelphia in 1987, and Governor of Pennsylvania in 2002. You are NOT your “own boss.” Your job is to serve the citizens of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. They elected you to do a job. Their taxes pay your salary. You are accountable to them.

This is the problem with politicians in our country. The founding fathers never expected public service to be a career. You spent some time serving your constituents, then went back to your real life. It was, to them, akin to military service, something to be proud of, something to do for awhile and then go back to being a regular citizen. George Washington, John Adams, James Madison, and James Monroe all went back to being farmers after their presidencies. Thomas Jefferson went back home and ran his farm while at the same time writing political philosophy, very little for which was he actually paid. These men weren’t creating dynasties for themselves. In fact, James Madison died almost penniless.

Many others who served in these presidents’ administrations served out their terms, then went back to their regular lives.

Imagine that happening today. Anyone who achieves a high position in government stays there or runs for higher office. They almost never leave public service voluntarily; if they do leave, it’s because they are voted out or offered lucrative jobs in the private sector. The only ones who retire are presidents, and even then no way would they ever end up like Mr. Madison. Millions and millions of dollars in book deals and speaking fees see to that. There hasn’t been one president in my lifetime who hasn’t become richer since leaving office than before or during their term. No one in this day and age is going to be the statesman Jefferson was, and use his knowledge and insights for public good without making several bucks off of it.

Governor Rendell’s attitude is indicative of this. The man thinks that he is his “own boss” instead of an accountable public servant. A quick google search revealed that this is a chronic attitude of his and not just a one-time slip of the tongue.

This attitude will only continue and prevail among people whose salaries are paid from public funds until the electorate wakes up and demands more. Hopefully, the enthusiasm of some and disappointment of others over Barack Obama’s election is indicative of a renewed engagement of the electorate.

Groan
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Take Your Shaheen And Stick It Right Up Your Sununu

I just want it to be over.

No, I still haven’t decided whom I’m voting for president. The decision probably won’t be made until I’m in the voting booth. It will come down to a gut feeling. And whatever my gut tells me, I’ll probably vote for the other guy. Last time I had a gut feeling was in 2000 when I voted for GW Bush. I regretted it very shortly after, when I realized that he is a man of no character. The way you know that he is a man of no character was his willingness to accept the blatant bias of his brother’s staff in Florida in conducting the recount. A man of character would have insisted on taking state officials out of the equation. But the second it came down to Florida Mr. Bush knew he had it locked up. Was he the rightful winner? Probably. But that has nothing to do with the character issue.

There are certain qualities and certain ideas I like from each candidate. There are certain issues I have with each candidate. I am not one of these people who think that one or the other is critical in the survival of our country. Our country will be just fine. For all of our differences, Americans are by and large a resilient people. We have proved that time and time again. The specific person occupying the White House has much less to do with how my life is going than the people whom I elect on a local level.

Nonetheless, here is how I stand on the hotbutton issues with the two major presidential candidates:

Economy: McCain. More regulation is going to solve nothing. What we need to do is tell the banking giants, “Fine. We won’t regulate you anymore. But when you get yourself into these messes, don’t under any circumstances expect the government to bail you out. You want a free market economy, you got it. Good luck.” And then we need to stand by that. In a truly free market economy, the best will rise to the top. And if the best get so big that they get arrogant and take huge risks, then they need to suck it up, accept their losses, and let the next guy move in. It’s the only fair way.

Taxes: Obama. This one is kind of selfish, I’ll admit, because my personal taxes will be lower. But comparing the two tax plans, Obama’s spreads the wealth more. Now, let me be clear: I am completely against socialism, but if we are going to continue to pay taxes, then by definition we are paying into a socialist system. Everyone’s money is being taken by the government to provide services for all. Therefore, the burden should be shared relative to what each can afford. It’s not pretty, but that’s how it is. We all have the same needs, and whether you make $10,000 a year or $20,000,000 a year, bread costs the same. Milk costs the same. Gas costs the same. I don’t think it’s out of line to ask people to get by with a few fewer luxuries beyond the basic necessities of life.

Iraq: Obama. It’s time. We’ve been there long enough. Enough American lives have been lost in this invented war. Mr. No Character wanted to avenge the embarrassment of his daddy, and that’s why we invaded. I’m not saying that our troops haven’t done some good work over there. In fact, I know for a fact they have. But it’s time to support the Iraqis in running their own country, and nothing more.

Gay marriage: Neither. The government needs to recognize every union between two people as a marriage, or they need to recognize no union between two people as marriage. It’s right there in the document that defines our beliefs: “All men are created equal.” Period. End of discussion. If you would like to continue this debate, please do so in the hallowed halls of your religious organizations. Or in Vegas. And then please move on to issues that matter.

Energy: Neither. We need to end all government tax incentives, subsidies, whatever you want to call them to the oil companies and auto manufacturers. We need to invest that money into organizations that are serious about researching and finding alternative energy sources. Come on, people. There’s got to be a better way. Think of all of the technological advances that have taken place in the past 50 years. We’re using electrons in ways that no one would have imagined possible. We’re using radio waves in ways that no one would have thought possible. We’re using human stem cells in ways that no one would have ever thought possible. And yet the combustion engine works pretty much the same way as it did in 1958. Does something seem fishy to you? Because it does to me.

So there’s where I stand on a few of the issues facing the candidates in this election. For me, it’s going to be a gut thing when I step up to the voting booth.

I can say this: I will be very happy when the Senate race between two people that don’t even affect my life, that I’m not even able to vote for or against, is over.

In New Hampshire, Jeanne Shaheen is running against John Sununu for Senate. And since I live so close to New Hampshire, and many New Hampshire residents get Boston television as their local channels, so I’ve been subjected to this campaign. Don’t ask me where either candidate stands on any of the issues. I don’t know. However, if you watch the commercials, you can get a sense of each campaign’s strategy: accuse the other of being a Bush lackey. Good luck.



Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Undecided

I still don't know whom I'm voting for.

My Republican friends look at me like I'm crazy and say, "What are you, crazy? It HAS to be McCain." Of course, they would vote for Hitler were he running under the Republican ticket (and still alive, of course, although that might not matter to some).

My Democratic friends look at me like I'm crazy and say, "What are you, crazy? It HAS to be Obama." Of course, they would vote for Hitler were he running under the Democratic ticket (and still alive, of course, although that might not matter to some).

Me, I like to study the proposals of each candidate, hear what they have to say about themselves, hear what they have to say about each other, determine who has the best ideas, is more enlightened, more curious, more adaptable. Everybody else likes to be spoon-fed. I refuse to be spoon-fed.

So, a week from yesterday, it will be time for the sheep to line up again and go to their respective sides of the pen. Red sheep on the right, blue sheep on the left, and all those shades of gray, well just mill about until you end up on one side or the other.

Obama and McCain. The best our country could come up with? Absolutely not. Just the two most willing and best at playing the game. It's all fun and games until something happens. Until then, how the hell do we know?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Friendly Skies

[BUMP]

It was a pretty good week in New Orleans. Delta once again came through and got me there and home again quite comfortably and with no delays. Right now I’m on my flight from Atlanta back to Boston, and I really have no complaints.

[BUMP]

I used to be a pretty big critic of airline travel. It just seems that they take your money and then treat you like common cattle, only stupider. Stand in line to check in. Follow the procedure or get pushed aside while they deal with people who know what’s going on. Stand in line to check your bag. God himself can’t help you if your bag’s over the weight limit.

[BUMP]

Stand in line to go through security. Remove your belt. Remove your shoes. Put everything on the conveyor. No, no, no. Remove your laptop from the case and put it in a separate bin. Still got your watch on? What kind of idiot are you? Please step back through the detector, remove your watch, you moron, place it in the bin, and step through again. Okay. Obviously, you’re nowhere near intelligent enough to carry out a terrorist plot, so go ahead.

[BUMP]

Okay, at the gate. You’re at A1. But your flight takes off from K88. I don’t care that your ticket, the counter agents, and the flight information board all say that your flight takes off from A1, sir. Please walk back out of the security checkpoint and through the airport to Terminal K, conveniently located only two zip codes away, go back through security, and report to Gate K88. You’ve got 6 minutes, you’ll be fine.

[BUMP]
Red-faced, panting, down 3 quarts of sweat, at K88. Ready to board, got myself an aisle seat, 18C! Right? Well, no sir, we should have closed the flight 4 minutes ago but we didn’t because the co-pilot just arrived from his weekend in South Beach. He hasn’t even been to bed yet, haha! But as soon as he washes the banana daiquiri stain from the collar of his uniform shirt, we’ll be on our way.

[BUMP]

In the meantime, sir, we had to give your seat away to one of our stand-by’s, a college student named Joe who’s been waiting here for three days to go visit his mother in prison. Poor kid hasn’t even had a bath much less a meal. But we still have availability for you in Row 75, Seat E, right in between a semi-professional bodybuilder with a 47" lat spread and a rather plump woman on her way to a weight loss camp. Hurry aboard.

[BUMP]

Board plane, inexplicably lose balance and slam into seat 18C, smile evilly to passengers 18A&B who have suddenly noticed a strange smell, proceed to cargo area, apologize to sequoia tree on legs while maneuvering into seat.

[BUMP]

So again, here I am on my flight back to Boston, enjoying a $3 bag of trail mix consisting of approximately 4 peanuts, 3 dried up pieces of what used to be imitation cranberry or raspberry plastics (no one’s really sure) and some crushed chocolate substance, and drinking my ginger ale and like I said everything’s really okay

[BUMP]

GODDAMMIT WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THAT CHILD UP? OR AT LEAST PREVENT HER FROM KICKING THE BACK OF MY HEAD EVERY TWO MINUTES?

The bodybuilder and the plump lady shift in their seats, each giving me back a good inch of my seat space, looking at me with respect anew. The male flight attendant named Sunshine (yeah) is asking if there’s anything I need. I need a new bag of trail mix, thank you very much. As he walks away, eager to please me, I just know…

They’re not going to skimp on the plastic berries this time.

Life is good.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Things You Wish You Knew

Good evening everyone. My name is Mr. Useless Facts Guy. What I do is I troll the internet looking for things that are fun to know yet serve no useful purpose in your life. I do this so that when Dennis is busy with things like watching Game 5 of the ALCS and switching back and forth to the LSU/South Carolina game, I can post a blog entry for him. Enjoy!

According to Useless Facts and Statistics:

A cesium atom in an atomic clock beats 9,192,631,770 times a second
If you divide the Great Pyramid's perimeter by two times it's height, you get pi to the fifteenth digit
A piece of paper can be folded no more then 9 times
4,000 people are injured by tea pots every year
In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivelent of 5 times around the equator
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined
There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo
The Boston University Bridge on Commonwealth Avenue is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio
It is illegal to eat oranges while bathing in California

According to Useless Statistics:

The average 4-year-old asks over 400 questions a day
The average adult spends about 12 minutes in the shower per day
The average person keeps old magazines for 29 weeks before they throw them out
The average person speaks about 31,500 words per day
The average person spends about 2 years on the phone in a lifetime
The average person will spend two weeks over their lifetime waiting for the traffic lights to change

According to My View From The Jeep:

More Monopoly money is printed yearly than real money throughout the world
People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death
Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf
The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of"
Every human breaks wind at least 15 times a day
Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks
Frank Baum, the writer of "The Wizard of OZ", looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz"
About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year

Groan
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Don't Be N. A. Hole

Actually, you can't. That name belongs to a guy who has become my hero.

It's dangerous to do this, because it might cause me to lose my faithful readers (both of you), but tonight I'm going to suggest that you check out another blog.

I stumbled across this blog one night when I was doing a web search for something or other, I can't even remember now. I probably didn't even find what I was looking for that night because I spent the rest of the night reading the entire blog. Ever since, I have checked his blog every day to satisfy my thirst for his unique way of sharing his ideas.

Some would say he's crass. He is.

Some would say he's rude. He is.

Some would say he's profane. He is.

Some would say he makes sense. He does.

Some would say he's intelligent. He is.

Some would say he's funny. He is.

Here is how he describes himself from the "About" section of his blog.

"I'm N.A. Hole

"Listen, I don’t want to brag, but I’m an asshole. When I was born I guess that my parents were drunk or something because they called me N.A. I don’t have a name, just two fucking letters: N.A. What sucks even more than not having a name is that my last name is fucking Hole. That’s right, my name is N.A. Hole - as in an a-hole as in an asshole - and it stinks. Imagine with me if you will what it was like for me growing up - 'oh look, there goes an a-hole' 'oh my god, an a-hole asked me out for a date' etc. I think you get the fucking picture.

"For what it’s worth, I decided to start a site to see if I couldn’t put my name to some good use for all mankind. And if I can’t, well fuck it."

If you're in need of some entertainment as well as some enlightenment, check out his blog through the link below:

Ask An A-Hole

Etc.
The Sox pulled it off in Game 5. It certainly won't be easy from here.

Of course, the weekend I'm going to be in New Orleans, the Saints are playing a home game. IN LONDON!

The Blazer needs a new starter. Good thing I won't need it for a week.

Groan
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

People

Drivers in need of Ed
I think I’ve done a pretty good job of not slamming Massachusetts drivers, but I’ll try to make up for it tonight.

It’s really distressing, because New Orleans isn’t at the top of most lists, but until I moved here I thought that New Orleans was at least #1 in bad drivers. But I was wrong. I was very wrong.

It’s not that drivers here are necessarily reckless or necessarily rude. Some are, but the vast majority just have no clue. And the scariest thing they have no clue about is right of way. Massachusetts drivers have no idea which car has the right of way. I’ve seen this play out in so many scenarios it’s ceased being funny. People in the right lane of the highway have no idea that they are supposed to allow cars to merge onto the highway. They tend to tailgate the car in front of them at merge points, in many cases forcing merging vehicles to drive along the shoulder until someone allows just enough room for the merging car to sneak in.

Possibly, they make up for this highway rudeness by being overly polite, or perhaps just ignorant, on city streets. I’ve actually been behind people, on more than one occasion, where we were going down a main street, we clearly had right of way over cross streets that had stop signs, and for no apparent reason, the car in front of me came to a complete stop in order to let someone at a stop sign go.

This might seem like the ultimate in politeness, but it’s actually the ultimate in stupidity, because I’ve had to slam on my brakes to avoid plowing into the back of these people. You just don’t expect the person in front of you to come to a complete stop in the middle of a main street. And it always takes longer for the person at the stop sign to realize that the idiot in front of me is not going to move until they do, than it would have taken for him and me to have driven past and given the driver a clear path to proceed.

I have not figured out if people are trying to make up for their rudeness on the highways by being overly polite on the surface streets, or if people here honestly have no clue whose right of way it is in any given situation. But I know what I think.

There are certain things you just “know” as a driver in the Boston area. You just know that, when coming to an intersection where a car is waiting at a stop sign, unless you’re right on the intersection, the car is going to turn in front of you. It just is. After you’ve seen it a few hundred times, it’s just something you know is going to happen. Same thing if you’re coming upon someone who is poised to turn left in front of you.

Today I was coming back from the bank on a two-way street going about 30mph. At one point the lanes widen to allow a center turning lane near some stores. I was about a block and a half away from the turn lane when a late-teens, early-20ish guy pulls into it, so naturally I think that he is going to turn in front of me. I’m getting closer and closer and he still hasn’t made a move so I figure I’ve found the one driver in the greater Boston area (besides myself, of course) that actually understands the whole concept of “right of way.”

Well, I was wrong. He sat there and for some reason waited until I was about 30 feet from the intersection and turned in front of me, causing me to slam on my brakes and screech to a stop, barely missing his bumper. Why would he do this? If you’re going to turn in front of me, why not do it when I’m more than a block away instead of sitting there until I’m almost on you and then decide you just cannot wait three seconds more?

People are idiots.

Civility Lacking
Some things are just so easy to do. Like when you’re walking through a door, it’s just so easy to hold it open just a little longer for the person behind you.

I do this all the time. It’s become second nature to me. Sometimes I’ll hold the door open even when there isn’t anyone behind me, just to keep in practice.

Most people are very polite right back, saying thank you, nodding, or smiling. And on those occasions when people aren’t polite, it really doesn’t bother me. Sometimes people get caught up in what they’re doing and just don’t notice little acts of kindness that occur when they’re focused. They should, but it’s not the rudest thing in the world so I just don’t pay them any attention.

There comes a point, however, in which it becomes less of a social nicety and more of an actual personal favor to hold the door for someone. In that case, I think that it is incumbent upon the person to actually say “thank you.”

That happened for me today. I was coming out of the post office, and there is a heavy door that leads into the foyer where there is an entrance door on the right and an exit door on the left. I opened the door to leave and there was an elderly lady about to enter, so of course I held the door for her. She smiled, nodded, and proceeded into the post office. Then I noticed a 30ish obviously pregnant lady about 15 feet away climbing the stairs that lead to the entrance with a large baby car seat in her left hand and a box in her right hand, struggling up the last stair. I decided to wait where I was to hold the heavy door open for this lady. She walked up to the door, then stopped, put the baby seat and the box on the ground in the entranceway (had I let go of the door at that point the heavy door would have slammed into her), removed her sunglasses, put the sunglasses into her purse, picked up her box and baby seat, then walked right past me into the foyer. At no time during this entire process did she so much as look my way, much less offer a thank you.

Now, I hadn’t exactly saved this woman’s life. I wasn’t expecting her to fall to the ground and praise my name in gratitude. But nothing? It pissed me off, so as the heavy door swung closed I couldn’t help but look back and say in a very loud voice, as she was opening the inside door in the foyer, “please, don’t mention it!”

People are idiots.

Etc.
The Sox are 1-0 against the Rays in the ALCS. Go Sox!

We’ve got two more prospects about to sign on to the web site. This thing’s really starting to take off!

There was a cold snap, but now the days are warm again. I’m ready for fall.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hilarious Parody

If you missed it and have an extra 11 minutes or so, check out SNL's parody of the Biden/Palin debate. Queen Latifah looks like she's about to lose it several times, and I can't blame her.

Things to look for:

"I love John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced. I mean let's be frank, John McCain, and again this is a man I would take a bullet for, is bad at his job, and mentally unstable." Too funny!

"I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers." Classic!
SNL VP Debate Parody

Monday, October 6, 2008

Taking The Plunge

Boy, it's a good thing this bailout bill passed or Wall Street might have taken a hit.

Sarcastic? Who, me?

The New York Times

Saturday, October 4, 2008

You've Done Nothing

It was a great game. I completely enjoyed watching it. But, understand that all you've done is guarantee yourselves at least three more games this season. Bring it!

MLB.com

Friday, October 3, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

You Bet’cha
Palin-Biden debate sets TV ratings record
Perhaps it was because there was absolutely nothing on TV last night besides this debate! The ballgame was a blowout and every single channel had the debate going. We turned it on after it became clear that the game wasn’t going to get any better. I’ve never been very interested in Vice Presidential debates; I mean seriously. We vote the top of the ticket, not the bottom. An elected Vice President really hasn’t been relevant since LBJ in the 60s. At first it was just background noise as I did some work on the computer but then I started actually watching, and I have to say I came away from the debate with more respect for both Biden and Palin. He managed to avoid being petty and condescending, and actually came off compassionate and knowledgeable without any gaffes as he is famous for. She actually showed up prepared, which shows that she studied for this debate. I have no problems with candidates who don’t know all the details about all the issues, but you need to show a penchant for picking things up, and she certainly was a fast study. But what struck me the most about this debate was the level of communication. You actually learned something about these two during the course of the debate. It wasn’t just an alternating hooray for our side/boo for your other side kind of thing, like the Obama/McCain debate was. You actually had two leaders engaging in meaningful dialogue and each came off as honest. Still don’t know who I’m voting for, but I am at least impressed with whoever wins the #2 spot.
(Reuters)

He’s Bailing
Paulson Moves On to Nuts and Bolts of Rescue
After all this, they’re still saying we will most likely see a deep recession. Basically, we’re screwed already so I repeat, WHY are we bailing these people out? Why don’t we let the market adjust on its own? If we’re going to have to suffer the effects of recession anyway, why don’t we suffer a little more for a little longer and then possibly come away with a new model for financial markets that actually works like it's supposed to?
(Washington Post)

Granny’s Got a Gun, Part II
Ohio woman, 90, shoots self during eviction; Fannie Mae forgives loan
Maybe instead of buying bad debts, the government should just hand out free guns to anyone who is about to be foreclosed on. Then maybe the whole thing would just work itself out, case by case, one way or another.
(USA Today)

Tough Luck
Chance meeting leads to arrest in 1967 killing
This has to be one of the craziest arrests I’ve ever heard about. For 41 years this guy has been running the streets and because some police officer took an interest in a story told to him by an Alzheimer’s patient at a dinner party, the suspect is now in custody. Wow.
(Associated Press)

Perv
Police: Pa. landlord spied on 34 female tenants
Seriously, can’t you just download porn like a normal person? It’s easy to find, and it’s free. Um….so I’ve been told.
(Associated Press)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

What's In My Inbox

























Today is International Disturbed People's Day

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.
---------------------------------------------------------
This was sent to me by a very disturbed friend!

Etc.
The Sox are 1-0 in the first round of the playoffs. Geaux Sox!

It's getting nice & cool. Autumn has arrived. Woohoo!

I'll be in New Orleans October 21-28. Anybody wanna get together? Hit me up.

Groan
I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I Wonder...

-how I can get the same deal as NFL referees: "criticize me, and you have to pay a fine!" But no. If I want you to stop criticizing me I have to actually, you know, improve.

-why I can’t join the YLC Facebook group, even though I am a dues-paying member, just because I’m not in the New Orleans, LA network.

-while thinking about facebook, how much better the world would be if people spent as much time and energy on recruiting, supporting, and voting on candidates who actually have something to offer as they do on griping, complaining, petitioning, and boycotting the new facebook layout. Just deal with it already!

-why we are responsible for our own financial situations, but people who are responsible for billions of dollars of other people’s money qualify for a bailout.

-while thinking about the bailout, where this $700 billion is coming from. If the unfortunate collapse hadn’t happened, would every taxpayer in America have gotten around $3,000 back from the federal government this year? Or are we finally going to sell California to the Russians?

-why Lincoln promotes its MKS using “Major Tom,” a ballad that is about the complete systems failure of a mechanical object.

-why Bubby texts me things like, “Sucks! It’s ok well just me the shit out of them” as if I am supposed to understand what the hell that means.

-how to convince Bill that 83 degrees is warm enough to put the air conditioner on, even though it’s “almost October.”

-where Paul Newman is.

-why Don Imus lost his job for calling Rutgers female basketball players “nappy-headed ho’s” yet Sandra Bernhard faces no public outrage for suggesting that Sarah Palin be raped by her “big black brothers.”

Groan
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Friday, September 19, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

Money Matters
A changed Wall Street hopes for positive signs
As soon as the federal government agrees to spend billions and billions of taxpayer dollars to bail out the rich (yet again) they go ahead and ramp up again. How many times are we going to bail these people out until they get it right? And doesn’t all this bailing out cripple the natural evolution of a market-driven economy? Where would so many of the small businesses that fail every year be if we didn’t feel it necessary to equip big investment companies with golden parachutes when they clearly don’t learn from their mistakes?
(International Herald Tribune)

Bring It On, Bitches
In video, Al Qaeda vows more U.S. attacks
They talk tough, but all they want to do is kill innocent people who haven’t done a thing to them just to make a point. I guess the point they’re trying to make is, “we can kill people.” Really, what they are is a bunch of cowards that deserve our pity and to be wiped off the planet.
(CNN)

Got Scandal?
Milk off shelves as China's safety scandal grows
Who could have seen this one coming? Of all the processed products out there, who ever would have thought that milk would be a target of additives that will make people sick? And with the suggestion of animal urine possibly being added, I don’t know if I’ll ever drink milk again.
(Associated Press)

The Snoops Trial
Class action lawsuit charges President, NSA with illegal surveillance
Of course, this will never go anywhere, and that’s a shame. I completely agree with President Bush that terrorists are still looking to attack this country and that we need to use whatever methods are available to find out who they are and what they plan. But I would argue that arbitrary, unwarranted spying on Americans is not a method available to the government. If we’re going to give up our civil rights in the name of security, then what freedoms, exactly, are we trying to preserve?
(BetaNews)

And the Smog Gets Heavier
Light Rail Train Hits Bus in LA; 14 Injured
Two train catastrophes in one week in LA. At least this one didn’t involve any fatalities. Hopefully the MTA will get its act together after this one.
(ABC News)

Damn Democrats!
Tryst in Minneapolis hotel room turns into $50K robbery for Republican convention delegate
Well, what do you expect to happen when you pick up Chelsea Clinton at a bar at the Republican convention?
(Newsday)

Dr. Detroit
Detroit welcomes a new mayor, a new era
And this one doesn’t have to wear an ankle monitor!
(Detroit Free Press)

Ghost of the Past
Ike uncovers mystery ship in Alabama
I guess hurricanes aren’t totally a negative thing. How did no one find this before now? It couldn’t have been buried that far out for Ike to have uncovered it.
(USA Today)

Go Cook Yourself
Skin Cancer Researchers Oppose Industry Campaign to Portray Tanning Beds as Healthy
What I don’t understand is how people can fall for crap like the tanning industry tries to shove down our throats? If ultraviolet rays are unhealthy when coming from the sun, which is about 93 million miles away, then how is it possible to think that they are not unhealthy when coming from a source that’s about 3 inches away?
(WebMD)

Tiger Bait
John Werner's College Predictions: Auburn tough spot for LSU
Hopefully tomorrow’s outcome will reverse the trend of LSU losing at Auburn. Go Tigers! (the LSU ones, I mean)
(Waco Tribune-Herald)

Slummin’
Diddy and His Private Plane Feel Pain at the Pump
This is a disgrace. Something has to be done. It’s bad enough that Americans are scaling back their vacations, people have to take public transportation more often, the price of everything that is moved by gasoline powered vehicles (read: everything) is going up, but now Diddy has to travel on first class instead of private jet! Somebody let me know where I can donate money to ease this poor man’s pain.
(PopEater)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Water, Water Everywhere

Hurricane Ike came through last weekend and devastated southeast Texas and even caused some havoc in Louisiana. Thanks to Joan, here are some photos of Manchac. Manchac is a small fishing village between New Orleans and Hammond. There is a great seafood restaurant there called Middendorf's that I took Bill to last year when we were visiting. There is really nothing on I-55 on the 30 mile trip between LaPlace and Hammond except Manchac. You're just driving along over water for miles and then all of a sudden there's this little place with the restaurant. The white building is the original restaurant. If you look at the window all the way on the right, that's where we were sitting. Even though it's literally in the middle of nowhere, after a few years they couldn't handle the volume in the restaurant and opened the brown building across the parking lot. So the same restaurant operates in two different buildings less than 100 yards from each other!

The pictures after that are from Texas. Then the final picture is a happy one after all of the devastation. It's of my two favorite football players in the world!




















The Original Middendorf's

The new Middendorf's

Photo Smiley N. Pool - AP

Source: Reuters/NASA

Source: STR/AFP: Getty Images


Photo Emmitt Hawks - US Navy

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo Eric Gay - AP

Photo Carlos Barria - Reuters
Photo Kevin M. Cox - AP


Photo L.M. Otero - AP

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo David J. Phillip


Photo Richard Alan Hannon - AP

Photo Alex Brandon - AP

Photo Smiley N. Pool

Photo Scott Olson

Photo L.M. Otero - AP


Photo Smiley N. Pool - AP

Photo Tony Gutierrez - AP

Photo Mark Wilson

Photo David J. Phillip - AP

Photo Matt Slocum - AP


Photo Tony Gutierrez - AP

Photo David J. Phillip

Photo Matt Slocum - AP


Photo Eric Gay - AP


Photo U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. James L. Harper, Jr. - Reuters
And, finally, a photo of my two favorite football players in the whole world, my nephews Jacob and Matty!
Photo their Mom Rebecca