Thursday, February 28, 2008

Non Compos Mentis

I should have just gone to law school. For the past several weeks, I have been working on a legal document for a business venture I’m involved with. It is a contract, basically spelling out what each side will do and detailing the distribution of the income.

As a marketing guy, I find it difficult to have to compose a document with legal jargon. Usually, most of the copy I write are things like “Buy two—get one free!” or “Only $25!” You know, stuff where the consequences are not very dire.

Here’s a direct line from the contract I’m writing: “Affiliate will indemnify and hold Company harmless from all claims, damages, losses, and expenses (including, without limitation, attorney’s fees, payable as incurred) arising from or relating to the development, operation, maintenance, and contents of your site, use of the advertising, violation of this Agreement, and/or violation of any right of another party.”

Wow. Heady stuff. I’m not used to writing a document where one wrong word could cost you your entire business. But there it is. And that’s why it’s taken me three weeks to write a six page document. But I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now to find a nice lawyer that will review the language and make sure I’m not guaranteeing our demise.

More later…

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Concert Week

It’s concert week. Phone rings today. I answer it.

ME: Boston Philharmonic

VOICE: Hi, I’m a subscriber. And I have my tickets. And they’re for Thursday. [PAUSE]

ME: Yes, ma’am?

VOICE: And I need to go Sunday.

ME: I’m sorry, ma’am, do you have incorrect tickets?

VOICE: No, I need to exchange my tickets for Sunday.

ME: Unfortunately, the deadline to exchange your tickets has passed. We no longer have tickets here in the office; they have all been allocated to the theatre box office.

VOICE: [PAUSE]

ME: Ma’am?

VOICE: But I need to go Sunday.

ME: I’m sorry that you missed the deadline, ma’am, perhaps you could share your Thursday tickets with friends and purchase new tickets for Sunday.

VOICE: I’m not sure I can go on Sunday.

ME: I’m sure there will be tickets available at the door.

VOICE: [PAUSE]







VOICE: What can I do?

ME: At this point, ma’am, we cannot exchange Thursday concert tickets.

VOICE: But I thought I could exchange.

ME: Yes, ma’am, but our exchange deadlines were mailed with your season tickets so that you would know to take care of them before they pass. We do not have any tickets in the office to be able to accommodate you. That is why the deadline is when it is.

VOICE: [PAUSE]





VOICE: Um




VOICE: I guess I’ll just have to figure something out.

ME: Have a great afternoon, ma’am.

[LINE DISCONNECTED]

What is wrong with people? Can’t they understand basic English? I was not spouting 25-cent words at this woman; I was speaking in the simplest and clearest possible language. I am so glad that my job doesn’t put me in constant contact with the public. I hated working at McDonald’s and in retail. And then when I worked at the UNO Jefferson Center, I had to deal with students and professors on a regular basis. You would think that tenured professors with PhDs would be able to understand simple English, but you would be incorrect.

Gah! Busy weekend coming up. I’ve got concerts tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, and Bill is working a gymnastics tournament so we’ll hardly see each other at all.

Way To Go!
Isn’t it nice when people turn their interests into vocations? My friend Mary just got a new job with the New Orleans Public Library Foundation. They raise money for the public library. Mary has always been a big advocate of the library, and brings her girls, Katie and Betsy, there on probably a weekly basis to check out books and videos.

So, and I apologize for the blatant solicitation, if anyone has an extra $200 million lying around, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Mary so that she can be a hero on her first day.

Groan
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,” says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

Keeping My Fingers Crossed
Obama Continues to Build Momentum in Presidential Bid
Could Obama and Clinton be headed for a showdown in Colorado? I hope not, but it would make for interesting television. Clinton is going all-out negative in her latest TV spot in Wisconsin. Isn’t that what candidates do when they are panicking?
(Voice of America)

Unexplainable
Ill. gunman's rampage baffles friends
I was stunned like everyone else yesterday when this news came on. I guess I just don’t understand the whole nature of mental illness and how someone gets to the point where they feel compelled to carry out such violence. But as much as I feel for the victims’ families, I also feel bad for the family of the shooter. The press is accosting this man’s poor father and you can see the pain and sadness in his eyes as he begs to be left alone to suffer his trauma in private.
(Kansas City Star)

Missile Defense
Attempt to shoot down spy satellite to cost up to $60 million
There’s a “slim” chance that 1,000 pounds of flammable fuel will crash into a populated area. Yeah, let’s shoot the thing down.
(CNN)

Walker Walking
Government Accountability Chief Resigns
Does the GAO have any actual power? I know they review the processes and the money that flows through the government, but do they have actual authority to stop practices that waste resources unnecessarily? I’ve never really been sure what the line is with them.
(Washington Post)

Lost Lives
Ex-Ohio Cop Convicted of Lover's Death
This is heartbreaking. What kind of man puts his two year old son through that? I’ll answer my own question: a coward, a jackass, a person totally spent of morals. The fact that this man was in a position to determine the criminal behavior of others is frightening.
(Associated Press)

What a Whackjob
'Lonely' Calif. man accused of making 27,000 crank calls to 911
Just find some friends already!
(USA Today)

You Like the Juice?
FEMA trailers toxic, tests show
Yeah, I knew there was something strange smelling in my sister’s FEMA trailer. It was foul and it was strong. I’m glad she’s out of there.
(Los Angeles Times)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me

Fallin’ on my head
The weather today is just crappy. Snow last night; everything was covered this morning, then it turned to rain. And boy did it rain! And rain and rain, all day long. And of course today was the day that I had back to back to back appointments out of the office. I had to meet with a radio rep, do a press check for a brochure, go see a telemarketing software demonstration, meet the music director at a TV studio where he was doing an interview, and finally meet my reps from Goldstar who are in town just for a few days. Whew! At least twice today my boss called me just to let me know how warm and dry he was in the office. Nice guy. Finally I got home around 6:30.

Wiser?
Well, at 3:26 this afternoon (central time) I officially began the last year of my 30s. It was nice. Most of the people important to me called, e-mailed, or myspace messaged a happy birthday. There was one notable exception; one of my closest friends did nothing all day but hound me for $100. It is a legitimate hounding; I do owe him the hundred bones, but jeez. Wouldn’t you think that he could let it go just for a day?

Bill and his nephew Mikey took me to Outback for dinner then we went back to Michael’s house and had cake and ice cream with the family. I got a digital camera as a present.

Overreaching
What I’d like to know if how it is the purview of the United States Senate what happens in the National Football League. This is why our government is so screwed up. Arlen Specter is the ultimate horse’s ass. He’s out to get his name in the paper and nothing more, just because his stupid Eagles suck.

We’re involved in a ridiculous war, the economy is on a freefall, schools are crumbling, terrorists want to strap bombs to retarded people and kill us with them, our natural resources are being wasted away, and this guy has the unmitigated gall to stick his nose where it most certainly doesn’t belong on the taxpayer’s dime. He needs to go. Far, far away.

Etc.
I never thought I’d say this, but I am officially over winter and am anxiously looking forward to spring!

Our February concerts are next week, an all-Russian program with a great cellist. Sales are okay, but I’m worried that if bad weather is forecast that sales may stall.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Groan
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home!'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Friday, February 8, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

Pimpin’
Clinton camp angry over disparaging of Chelsea
This is why I will not vote for Hillary. I am sick of Hillary. In fact, I am sick of the Clintons. I am sick of hearing them bitch; I am sick of seeing them cry; I am sick of watching them smile, laugh, hug, and especially that stupid thumbs-up they all do. Chelsea is a big girl, and Shuster used a common slang term about her helping in her mother’s campaign. If anyone is not intelligent enough to know that he was not suggesting that the Clintons are selling their daughter for sex, then that person is not intelligent enough to vote. We’ve got real issues in this campaign; this campaign is absolutely critical to the very survival of our country as a representative democracy. Those issues do not include Chelsea’s thin skin. These issues do, however, include the stripping away of our rights, such as the ones guaranteed to us in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Please think about this before you dent the chad next to the name Hillary. Godspeed, Barak.
(Boston Globe)

Killer Twister
Funerals Begin for Tornado Victims
It breaks my heart to see all of the victims of this week’s tornadoes. I can’t even imagine the fright, pain, and panic of their last moments. One of my recurring nightmares is standing on a porch, watching the tornado get larger and larger in front of me, and I can’t do anything to avoid it or stop it.
(Associated Press)

Government Help
Congress Votes for a Stimulus of $168 Billion
Don’t be fooled. It’s an advance, not a rebate. If you don’t believe me, just wait until you file your 2008 taxes next year.
(New York Times)

A Good Thing
Cheney Defends U.S. Use Of Waterboarding
If it’s so good, dick, then let’s strap you down to a table, spray water all over your head, and see if we can find out just what you know about your boss’ plan to put a big old bullseye target on Valerie Wilson’s back because her husband was mean to you. This man disgusts me. Less than a year before he is irrelevant again, I have to keep reminding myself.
(CBS News)

Shocking End
Nebraska Supreme Court Outlaws Electric Chair
“'The evidence shows that electrocution inflicts intense pain and agonizing suffering,' Justice William Connolly wrote for the majority." Yeah, but it’s a lot more entertaining for the spectators than boring old lethal injection.
(New York Times)

I’m Not Really a Doctor, But I Also Don’t Play One on TV
Jarvik May Have Used Body Double in Ads
I take Lipitor, not because I trust Mr. Jarvik, but because I trust Dr. Shoap. So what if some other guy rowed a boat in a television commercial? Does that mean that Lipitor is bad for me? The things we choose to care about amaze me.
(ABC News)

Scum
Big Oil Strikes Back At Petrotyrants
Exxon vs. Chavez. So, who exactly is the bad guy here?
(CNN Money)

Cheesy
Polaroid Closing Instant Film Factories
Pretty soon, Outkast is going to have to re-lyric its song where it advises you to “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” How about, “Shake it like your hands do when you’re trying to take a digital picture”? Okay, back to the drawing board.
(Washington Post)

Hopefully He’s A Shill
BoSox can handle Schilling loss, but be wary
First the Patriots break our hearts, and now this. Curty, Curty, Curty, say it ain’t so!
(FOX Sports)

Third’s The Charm
When Incest Is Best: Kissing Cousins Have More Kin
Maybe it’s because each kid mutates into two separate beings? A lot of this study had to have been done in Arkansas; maybe it’s just more fertile soil up there.
(Scientific American)

Pump. You Up
Clemens' wife accused of using HGH
Nice abs, Deb!
(Sports Illustrated)

No News
All quiet on the Britney Spears front
I guess these days it’s news when Britney doesn’t make the news.
(New York Daily News)

Groan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Mardi Surdoue

Well, while all of my friends and family were celebrating Fat Tuesday, I got to celebrate Super Tuesday here in Stoneham. This was the first time I’ve ever voted in a primary. You can actually go in and ask for the ballot of your choice if you’re registered independent like I am. So I asked for the Republican ballot. I knew Hillary would win Massachusetts by plenty, but I thought that McCain might have a chance to upset Romney if enough smart people voted his way. I was wrong, but overall, I’m encouraged by the Republican race. After a few more primaries, perhaps McCain will have it wrapped up.

Things are a little more interesting on the Democratic side. Delegate-wise, Clinton and Obama are basically neck and neck, but Clinton’s campaign is bleeding funds while Obama is raising money by the truckload.

The only decision I’ll have to make in the general election is if it’s McCain going against Obama. I trust McCain; I don’t quite trust Obama, but my opinion can be swayed. If it’s McCain going against Clinton, McCain’s got my vote. If it’s any other Republican nominee, then I’m voting Democratic. McCain is the only Republican that, in my opinion, has integrity, leadership skills, good ideas, and the work ethic to get it done.

I would have a lot more respect for Hillary if she had dumped Bill’s ass. The man made a fool out of her in front of the entire world, and she let it go. My opinion is that she stayed with him strictly for political purposes, and that disgusts me. I cannot endorse a person who has absolutely no self-respect.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Weekly Roundup

Cowards
Female bombers kill 72 at Baghdad pet markets
“U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the bombings underlined ‘the absolute bankruptcy and brutality’ of those who carried them out.” And she’s absolutely right. These sick bastards strapped bombs to women with Downs Syndrome and detonated them remotely. That is the most cowardly thing I have ever heard. They don’t have the balls to do it themselves so they coerce innocent people who don’t know any better. Is that honestly glorifying Allah?
(Reuters)

The Democrats
Obama criticizes Clinton for her Iraq vote
I’m worried about the Democrats this year. I haven’t yet decided if Obama has a personal agenda or not, and that scares me. I know that Hillary does have an agenda, and that’s what worries me about the Democrats. Hillary getting the nomination might be enough to force me to vote Republican again.
(MSNBC)

The Republicans
Romney's Comeback Plan Trumpets His Conservatism
The nightmare race would be Hillary against Mitt. I don’t know what I’d do then. Possibly move to Mexico. Trust me here, people, DO NOT VOTE FOR MITT ROMNEY!
(Wall Street Journal)

Yahoogates
Microsoft Offers to Buy Yahoo for $44.6 Billion
Version 105.66429 of Bill Gates’ plan to take over the world.
(Bloomberg)

Gross
Double Dipping... Yeah, It's Really That Bad
So just get the single-scoop Tostitos if you’re going to try your hand at my world-famous garbage dip for either Bacchus or the Super Bowl (recipe below).
(FOX)

I Knew It Was The Saints’ Fault
Diehard Sports Fans Face Heart Risk
Do yourself a favor—go to the zoo or something this Sunday.
(New York Times)

Bull
Merrill Lynch accused of fraud
I think the fact that they have agreed on a settlement pretty much admits wrongdoing, right? Maybe the company didn’t set out to defraud these people, but at least the fund managers did.
(BusinessWeek)

Spyfizzle
Spy scandal has not tainted Patriots' season says Goddell
Alright everybody, let’s get over it. We all know in our hearts that my adopted team did nothing that every other team hasn’t done themselves. The difference? The Pats got caught and they have to answer for it. Arlen Specter can jump straight up my ass. The Eagles are a dirty team, anyway.
(Guardian Unlimited)

Doin’ The Mambo
On the scene: Packed Bourbon prepares for parades
The good times are rolling in my hometown this weekend and early next week. One of these years I’ll make it back down for the celebration. Have fun everybody!
(Times-Picayune)

Garbage Dip
This is a dip that Shareen’s friend ‘Dre taught me how to make when we were all hanging out at their house one night. Over the years I’ve modified it to my liking and I’m sure you will, too. I made it one Super Bowl and it was such a hit that it’s become my Super Bowl tradition. Enjoy!

Garbage dip is never made the same way twice, nor is it ever the same color twice lol! Brown about a pound and a half (1½ pounds) of ground beef with one (1) small chopped yellow onion, one (1) bell pepper, about one-half (1/2) tablespoon of cayenne pepper (oh, hell, just put the whole tablespoon in there), and a couple (2 or so) dashes of cumin. In a large, microwave-safe bowl, mix one pound (16 ounces) of Velveeta (cut into cubes), about half (1/2) of a medium sized jar of Pace or Taco Bell medium salsa (oh, hell, put like ¾ of the jar; and use mild or hot if you’d rather; I like medium because it has just the right bite for my taste with the cayenne pepper), and the browned ground beef mixture. Stick the whole kit ‘n caboodle into the microwave and turn it on high for about 5 minutes or so. Check it every now and then because every microwave is different. Make sure the Velveeta is completely melted. Stir it all around. The color will range anywhere from yellowish to reddish to pinkish, depending on how much of what you’ve used. Just go with it. Serve with Tostitos.

Groan
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."