The Weekly Roundup

Unity in Unity
Party Unity in NH, as Clinton Talks and Obama Says "She Rocks"
Did he say she sucks? No, he meant she ROCKS. Yeah, that’s what he said. She just doesn’t rock enough to be vice president. At least she better not.
(Washington Post)

Maybe Ken Is Right
Salmonella Tomato Outbreak Biggest Ever
My friend Ken won’t eat red food and has a particular distaste for tomatoes in any form. And his beautiful wife, Bette, is a great Italian cook! He actually will eat marinara but not ketchup or any other type of tomato based food product. Does this mean that Ken is now the safest person in the country, at least when it comes to food poisoning?
(WebMD)

Good Use of Tax Dollars
Scientist Is Paid Millions by U.S. in Anthrax Suit
First the FBI wastes millions of dollars to investigate this man whose only suspicious behavior, as far as I can tell, is that some in the media speculated that he might be involved. Now, we get to pay out millions more to settle a lawsuit by this guy. Once again, taxpayers get screwed on the front end and the back end. Neither is as appealing as it sounds.
(New York Times)

A Little Sex
Judge orders TMZ to remove sex tape of actor Verne Troyer
“Mini Me” got carried away with his ex and decided to make a sex tape. Either this is a publicity stunt or Mr. Troyer is a moron. Doesn’t he know that EVERYBODY’s sex tape eventually ends up on TMZ?
(Los Angeles Times)

Shooting Down Gun Restrictions
NRA sues San Francisco over guns in public housing
Wow, the NRA wastes no time, do they? This is good news, because just the other day I was thinking that what our housing projects need more of is handguns.
(San Francisco Chronicle)

Muskrat Love
Burrowing muskrat causes levee to fail in Missouri
Another shining success by our beloved Army Corps of Engineers! You gotta love Linda Wilmesherr’s quote in the third paragraph. I guess the NRA didn’t work fast enough for poor Linda.
(The Associated Press)

Despicable
Millionaire gets 40 months for enslaving maids
The Golden Rule clearly doesn’t apply in the Sabhnani household.
(CNN)

Hey Little Girl, Want Some Budweiser?
Study: Many Underage Drinkers Get Free Alcohol From Adults
When I was a kid, my dad and uncles had this little game going where nephews and nieces were always offered beers, but sons and daughters weren’t. For example, when the party was at our house, my dad wouldn’t let my teenage brothers and sister drink, but he’d offer my teenage cousins beers, and the situation would be reversed when the party was at my uncles’ houses. I always thought it was funny. My Uncle Johnny first offered me a beer when I was like 14. My dad had a fit.
(ABC News)

Same Old Song And Dance
Steven Tyler Says He Needed to Kick Pain and Sleep Drugs
Let’s hope it takes this time.
(People)

Pathetic
Bride-to-Be Takes a Chance on eBay for a Bidding Bridesmaid
This sounds like a story more suited for The National Enquirer than the New York Times, but there it is. Some loser is paying $5,700 to stand in some strangers’ wedding. How pathetic do you have to be to bid on something like that? Probably at least as pathetic as people who auction off a spot in their wedding party to the entire world. Kelly Gray is the bride-to-be. “I know some people out there are crazy,” Ms. Gray said. “We just want anybody who is willing to have fun. We’re fun, and we’re hoping someone won’t come in and ruin it for us.” I don’t know, but if I spent almost 6 grand to stand in some loser’s wedding plus had to pay the travel expenses and all that, I’d have a strong urge to start a naked conga line at the reception. Or even possibly during the ceremony. Good luck to Ms. Gray and her (has to be) embarrassed groom-to-be.
(New York Times)