Tuesday, March 2, 2010

And The Ban Played On

The big news of the day in Massachusetts is that advocates for the mentally retarded want to ban the word “retard” from the vernacular. Read all about it:


This is an important issue, and one that brings to mind the larger responsibility that we all have as Americans, to get involved and ban that which we find offensive, distasteful, vulgar, profane, and inconvenient. As everyone who has ever paid attention in civics class knows, there is an unwritten passage in the Bill of Rights, the Right to Never Be Offended or Inconvenienced. Therefore, it is our duty as patriots to ban books, words, ideas and, yes, lottery tickets. As referenced on http://tjshome.com/dumblaws.php, dedicated citizens are exercising their constitutionally guaranteed right by the thousands. Here is a partial list of banned things:

-New York, New York, the city so nice they named it twice, bans car horn honking. You might ask, then, why have car horns at all? Shut up.

-the McAllen, TX School District has banned pleated skirts, belts with designs, shoelaces with designs, ass-slapping, hugging, kissing, hitting, unstrapped sandals, and spaghetti straps.

-Abbeville, SC, bans spit

-North Carolina bans both lottery tickets and fortune tellers (what’s the point of one without the other, anyhow?)

-Dayton, Ohio bans homeless people

-New York bans murder (I think we can all agree with this one, except in extreme circumstances possibly involving the Clintons)

-Kaysville, Utah (motto: Happy Kaysville!) bans the donation of nuclear weapons (but, curiously, not the possession of nuclear weapons)

-Wyoming bans albino monkeys

-Honolulu, HI bans loud singing

-Grants Pass, Oregon bans self-service gas stations

-Kansas bans bare-handed fishing

-Mumbai, Arkansas bans smoking in the movies

-until recently, Boston banned Native Americans

I have to admit, I’m a bad American. Not only do I feel it necessary to question our leaders on their decisions, something that the founders never intended to happen, but I have not started a petition to ban even one single thing that offends or inconveniences me.

The mental retardation folks have inspired me. If these selfless men and women can give so much of their time and effort toward furthering the banning goal in this country, then I should at least do my part. The problem with the whole retard thing is that their ban proposal is very nonspecific. What does it mean to ban the word? Their proposal spells out no consequences for not abiding by the ban. Well, I will not make that mistake. I have very clear ideas in mind of what should happen to people who refuse to abide by the bans I suggest.

Tonight I announce my intentions to pursue bans on the following:

-people in the grocery store that stand in the middle of the aisle blocking passage while they bend down to examine every single can of La Sueur Peas for five minutes to decide which can is good enough to feed their family. And they always have their cart blocking the aisle in front of the other canned goods that law-abiding citizens would like to select. I suggest no less than $100 fine and 10 days in jail per violation.

-fat people who wear spandex. You’ve seen these people; don’t deny it. Mostly women, but also men who are at least 30 pounds overweight walking in the park, on the street, at the mall, in church, with skin-tight spandex and no underwear. That is without a doubt one of the most disgusting things to see. There should be an automatic fine of $10 per pound overweight, and there should be a “Biggie’s Law” whereby these particular offenders would be required to advertise in the local paper and send postcards to their neighbors identifying them as fat show-offs, so that people can choose to banish them from the neighborhood if they wish.

-Last, but not least, anyone caught feeding pigeons outside of a building entrance or exit should be shot without trial. For those of you who, like me, have been the unfortunate victims of hair-poo or getting smacked by a runaway pigeon in flight, ‘nuff said.

Let me know if you agree with me on the above bans, and if you’re willing to sign petitions to that effect. If not, let me know what you’d like to ban. Most importantly, get involved! Rally your neighbors, call your Congresspersons. It doesn’t matter so much WHAT you want to ban, it’s that you PARTICIPATE in the banning process. It’s what democracy is all about.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I like the banning of feeding the pidgeons. I further support banning fat pidgeons wearing spandex.