The Weekly Roundup

Pimpin’
Clinton camp angry over disparaging of Chelsea
This is why I will not vote for Hillary. I am sick of Hillary. In fact, I am sick of the Clintons. I am sick of hearing them bitch; I am sick of seeing them cry; I am sick of watching them smile, laugh, hug, and especially that stupid thumbs-up they all do. Chelsea is a big girl, and Shuster used a common slang term about her helping in her mother’s campaign. If anyone is not intelligent enough to know that he was not suggesting that the Clintons are selling their daughter for sex, then that person is not intelligent enough to vote. We’ve got real issues in this campaign; this campaign is absolutely critical to the very survival of our country as a representative democracy. Those issues do not include Chelsea’s thin skin. These issues do, however, include the stripping away of our rights, such as the ones guaranteed to us in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. Please think about this before you dent the chad next to the name Hillary. Godspeed, Barak.
(Boston Globe)

Killer Twister
Funerals Begin for Tornado Victims
It breaks my heart to see all of the victims of this week’s tornadoes. I can’t even imagine the fright, pain, and panic of their last moments. One of my recurring nightmares is standing on a porch, watching the tornado get larger and larger in front of me, and I can’t do anything to avoid it or stop it.
(Associated Press)

Government Help
Congress Votes for a Stimulus of $168 Billion
Don’t be fooled. It’s an advance, not a rebate. If you don’t believe me, just wait until you file your 2008 taxes next year.
(New York Times)

A Good Thing
Cheney Defends U.S. Use Of Waterboarding
If it’s so good, dick, then let’s strap you down to a table, spray water all over your head, and see if we can find out just what you know about your boss’ plan to put a big old bullseye target on Valerie Wilson’s back because her husband was mean to you. This man disgusts me. Less than a year before he is irrelevant again, I have to keep reminding myself.
(CBS News)

Shocking End
Nebraska Supreme Court Outlaws Electric Chair
“'The evidence shows that electrocution inflicts intense pain and agonizing suffering,' Justice William Connolly wrote for the majority." Yeah, but it’s a lot more entertaining for the spectators than boring old lethal injection.
(New York Times)

I’m Not Really a Doctor, But I Also Don’t Play One on TV
Jarvik May Have Used Body Double in Ads
I take Lipitor, not because I trust Mr. Jarvik, but because I trust Dr. Shoap. So what if some other guy rowed a boat in a television commercial? Does that mean that Lipitor is bad for me? The things we choose to care about amaze me.
(ABC News)

Scum
Big Oil Strikes Back At Petrotyrants
Exxon vs. Chavez. So, who exactly is the bad guy here?
(CNN Money)

Cheesy
Polaroid Closing Instant Film Factories
Pretty soon, Outkast is going to have to re-lyric its song where it advises you to “shake it like a Polaroid picture.” How about, “Shake it like your hands do when you’re trying to take a digital picture”? Okay, back to the drawing board.
(Washington Post)

Hopefully He’s A Shill
BoSox can handle Schilling loss, but be wary
First the Patriots break our hearts, and now this. Curty, Curty, Curty, say it ain’t so!
(FOX Sports)

Third’s The Charm
When Incest Is Best: Kissing Cousins Have More Kin
Maybe it’s because each kid mutates into two separate beings? A lot of this study had to have been done in Arkansas; maybe it’s just more fertile soil up there.
(Scientific American)

Pump. You Up
Clemens' wife accused of using HGH
Nice abs, Deb!
(Sports Illustrated)

No News
All quiet on the Britney Spears front
I guess these days it’s news when Britney doesn’t make the news.
(New York Daily News)

Groan
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"